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On our English pages, you often see the word "relationships". This is just sanitized language. On our English pages, "relationships" refers to what couples, when not sleeping, do in bed. Or, if so inclined, on the kitchen table.

English is a rather hypocritical language. Many words for natural bodily functions and processes have dirty connotations, and polite speakers like us have to go to considerable length to communicate meanings without naming them. But we nevertheless hope you get the point.

Tongkatali.org's Exploits in Cambodia

By Serge Kreutz

Of all macro-political events, war and total destruction play best into the hands of Western men traveling the globe for cross-culture love and relationships relationships. When they are down, you are up. It's that simple.

In the period of poverty and reconstruction that follows war and total destruction, your dollars don't just count double. They count five-fold or ten-fold. It was like that when the war ended in Germany and Japan in 1945, and after the Vietnamese invaded Khmer Rouge Cambodia.

Apart from the fact that your dollars really count, war and total destruction ferment social change. Not only old powers are weakened, but also old social norms.

On a global, political level, World War 1 and Word War 2 spelled the end of European colonialism, which had taken hundreds of years of political evolution. Not the Allies won this war, but the Third World. Britain and France, twice among the victors, nevertheless lost their colonial empires. Modern society in Europe, America, and Japan was born when the guns of Word War 2 lay silent.

On a local scale, too, war and total destruction are the basis for radical change. Before the Khmer Rouge, Cambodia was a closely-knit feudal society where life was determined by cultural traditions.

After the Khmer Rouge, Cambodia was the most desolate country in the world: total poverty, little state infrastructure, a high level of corruption, widespread learned disregard for humane values, lack of law enforcement. No surprise the country became the favorite playground for men who where looking for opportunities to live out criminal relationships fantasies.

Western NGOs spoiled their party. Nowhere in the world have NGOs been so instrumental in tracking down the relationships misbehavior of Westerners (mostly involving children) as they have been in Cambodia, netting even a pedophile Australian ambassador. Western NGOs still play an important role in Cambodia, exposing in the media not only illegal relationships conduct of Western men but also mixed marriages between older Western men and younger Cambodian women, branding them as relationships imperialism.

Terms like "relationships imperialism" are, of cause, the vocabulary of political ideology. Cambodians, by and large, don’t believe (in) ideologies; they are far too acquainted with the fact that ideological rightness can become ideological wrongness over night if it suits the political powers that be. However, given the experience they have had with political ideology, it is also no surprise that Cambodians are well versed in the instrumental, practical use of it. Rule one: pursue your own interests (regardless of any ideology). Rule two: pretend political ideology to defame adversaries, or to undermine your competitors, or at least to occupy some moral high ground.

Add to this mix the members of Western NGO’s who typically are genuinely ideologically motivated. And what you get is a situation in which every aspect of your presence in Cambodia has an ideological dimension.

Thus, a marriage between an older Western man and a younger Cambodian woman is not just a marriage. It is relationships imperialism. Employing a housemaid becomes an issue of Third World exploitation.

NGO members think in such categories, and ordinary Cambodians (unlike ordinary Indonesians or Malaysians) can think in such categories if it serves their purpose. But if it doesn’t serve their purpose, Cambodians are quick to forget about them.

The same Cambodian who denounces American imperialism may be quick to jump at the opportunity to work for an imperialistic American corporation that pays a high salary, but when he loses his job, it’s back to denouncing imperialism.

The same double standard applies to judging marriages between foreign men and young local women. If for locals the opportunity arises to introduce a Western man as a spouse into one’s family, it would be considered stupid not to grab the opportunity. If no Western member is available for one’s family, Cambodians with sufficient intellectual capacities console themselves ideologically: "imperialism" and "relationships exploitation" are the key terms.

In pre-Khmer Rouge Cambodia, it would have been very difficult to have a relationship, married or otherwise, with a Cambodian girl. After the Khmer Rouge, there was great eagerness on the part of young women and their mothers to get out of it all by catching a Western husband.

I have mentioned on many occasions that you ought not to be frightened by the fact that in Asia, women aim for lifelong relationships. Lifelong relationships are what normal female mating strategies are directed at, in any part of the world (though in Western Europe or North America women will not reveal this as openly as women and girls in Cambodia, because it would make them appear old-fashioned).

While social traditions in general have been heavily eroded through the Khmer Rouge interlude, one thing hasn't changed: in no other country of the world hold mothers so much sway over their daughters as they do in Cambodia.

You may get to know a sweet Cambodian university student. And when the time and situation seem right to you for the first kiss, she may just tell you to talk to her mother first.

It is not difficult to get invited to a girl's home, primarily to meet the mother. Neighbors will normally not suspect that you have a relationships relationship with the girl, as indeed, it is unlikely that you do.

In order to understand the sway mothers in Cambodia hold over their daughters, one should know that mothers also are the ones to decide whether a daughter enters prostitution or not. Among the procurers of prostitutes in the villages, the majority are women. They buy daughters more often from their mothers, rather than their fathers.

It has been speculated that the enhanced position of mothers in their families has been brought about by the fact that during the Khmer Rouge years, so many male family heads have been murdered, forcing wives to take their husbands' positions.

On the other hand, mothers, and not fathers, deciding over their daughters' fates is a pattern that can also be found in neighboring countries that did not go through social turmoil as did Cambodia… for example in Thailand, specifically northern Thailand.

What you are unlikely to find in Cambodia are self-driven, sexuality-driven young women, the kind you could meet in Malay Southeast Asian countries (Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia). If in Cambodia, women are self-driven, then they most likely aren't young (not below end of 20s), and if they are self-driven, their primary concern is likely to be material, not relationships.

Though you can find plenty of young women in the relationships trade, Cambodian girls, with very, very few exceptions, do not seek relationships, not for the sake of relationships, anyway. The general conception in Cambodia is that relationships is something for the pleasure of men, and women let men do it in exchange for non-relationships gratifications, either monetary (prostitution) or in kind and position (men providing the livelihood of a family and giving a woman status as official wife).

In the Philippines, Malaysia, and Indonesia, it is common to see women's magazines dealing with questions such as female orgasm. In Cambodia, a more likely topic would be information on how to raise the AIDS awareness of husbands who are frequenting prostitutes.

In Cambodia, it will be unlikely that you can enter into a non-prostitution based relationships relationship if you are not willing to get into a sort-of marriage.

Marriages and marriages are of course two different things. You can enter into formal marriages that require registration with your local embassy, and which are legal in your own country and in Cambodia. This is messy before the wedding, and after the wedding, if you want to get out of the relationship.

Nevertheless, if the girl you are interested in has an urban background and is not from a really poor family, a formal marriage will likely be demanded by the mother. Cambodia has a rather large percentage of locals who have been abroad, mostly as refugees, and the awareness of the difference between formal and non-formal marriages is much greater than, for example, in Thailand, the Philippines, and Indonesia.

However, in Cambodia, there always is a strong financial aspect in intimate relationships. If the girl you eye is poor, then the mother will agree to let her go with you (as informal wife), if you pay the mother a good amount of money, let's say, 1000 US dollars. The girl will likely stay with you for as long as you want (lifelong), initially not because of love, but simply because there aren't many other options.

The easiest way to find such informal wives would be through nightlife outlets. A mother that would consider releasing a young daughter into prostitution but hasn't done so yet (because the girl is still too young, or because love for the daughter is still too strong to let her go), may be more likely to agree to let her daughter become the informal wife of a rich men (and just hope that it will last). Procurers in the relationships trade know such mothers. And if such procurers see the chance to make as a good commission, they will, in cases of doubt, do the necessary convincing.

Is this white slave trade? If you are inclined to use ideological terms, the answer is probably yes.

On the other hand, even when you enter a formal marriage most anywhere in Southeast Asia, except for the Philippines, you will have to pay: in northern Southeast Asia, including Cambodia, you always pay the mother. In Islamic Southern Southeast Asia you pay the wife (and you ask the father instead of the mother). If you call the Cambodian arrangements slave trade, then, in principle, all arranged marriages are slave trade. But because such a definition doesn't really make sense, it will largely depend on the circumstances whether your informal Cambodian marriage would be considered slave trade by moral authorities, or whether it won't.

If you stay with your informal Cambodian wife for a considerable length of time, if you treat her well, if you provide her with continuous education, have kids with her, and live in a family home, the slave trade attribute will vanish. It's an arranged informal marriage.

If you got her through a procurer, abandon her after a month or so, leaving her with nothing except, maybe, an unwanted pregnancy, then the slave trade attribute will be much more justified.

The following has been provided by a reader:

I have been across the border from Thailand into Cambodia several times, but my last visit to Cambodia took me to Phnom Penh for the first time. Night number 1 I visited the infamous Martini's, and I did take a girl back to my hotel, but it was an uninspiring experience.

Remembering the friendly waitresses from the river view restaurant I had dinner at, I decided to return the next evening. They were all happy to see me again. One fairly tall and slender 19 year old that I was particularly attracted to said something about dancing. I pursued the idea and discovered that she wanted to go dancing when she got off work, so I decided to wait for her. Finally, around 11:00 P.M. she was finished, went to change her clothes, and came out of a back room wearing a simple knee length shirt and a conservative long sleeve button up to the neck blouse.

We jumped on motorcycles, she chattered some instructions in Cambodian, and off we went. Within a few minutes we arrived at a Cambodian "Disco". The dance floor was well lit but the sofa style seating area was quite dim and dreary so I tried to get us out on the dance floor quickly. She had no hesitation in joining me.

We danced to a few western pop tunes and then the traditional Cambodian music started. We joined a line that sort of went in a circle and did a group dance that was fairly easy to pick up. It was rather good fun, and the fact that there was only one other westerner in the place was even better as far as I was concerned.

I decided to keep away from alcohol since I was in a rather dicey area so we ordered cokes and fresh fruit. We stayed for about 3 hours and the bill was about US$6 with a tip. Things started to wind down so we went outside and we were able to find only one motorcycle. I told the driver what hotel I was staying at, she sat behind me and we took off.

When we arrived at the front of my hotel, I half expected her to say thanks and goodnight, hop back on the bike and go home. She didn't. Without hesitation she followed me up to my room. I turned on the A/C and TV and jumped in the shower. After I got out she was already striped naked with a towel wrapped around her. She took about a 3 minute shower, came out of the bathroom and slid into bed next to me. I promptly took the wet towel off of her and got my first look at her firm milk chocolate body. She had lovely small but perky breasts topped with nearly black nipples that stood up about half an inch. There was a small patch of black hair above her pussy, maybe 2 dozens in all, and they were as soft and silky as the hair on her head.

I started kissing her and she responded immediately by shoving her tongue in my mouth. I was hard as a rock already but wanted to do some exploring before plunging in. She wore a waist band of some type that I had never encountered before. It was some sort of woven natural rope with some brass beads on it. She left in on through shower, relationships, and sleep so I can only assume she never takes it off.

After a long session of muff diving in a very pleasant smoky and salty zone, I slipped on a condom and started out missionary style, and several positions later ended up doggy style. She had no lack of enthusiasm or passion throughout the whole session. I went for round two after waking up at around 8:00 A.M. and she was as responsive as the first time.

By 9:00 A.M. we were showered and dressed so I walked her to the front of the hotel, gave her about US$15 in local currency, and she took a motorcycle to work making me promise to come see her that evening. I did with pleasure and had pretty much a repeat of the first evening's experience. Unfortunately, I did have to get back to work in Bangkok so I flew out later that day. The next time I am in Phnom Penh I will go strait to that restaurant hoping she will still be there. If not, ah well, I'll have to try for a different waitress.